Do you eat food you don’t like? Why?
I’m not talking about a kid being forced to eat Brussel sprouts. Don’t bother responding with how much you love Brussel sprouts. It’s like Cauliflower. Oh, it’s okay if you do this, this, and that to it. Well, if you have to do all that stuff to it to make it edible, then it’s not very good to begin with.
I’m not talking about those types of foods. Nor am I talking about stuff like kale and pomegranates. You know, food that was never supposed to be ingested by humans, but some food guru made them famous, and now people pretend they like it. Give it a snappy name like superfood. You know a superfood? Pizza. Peanut Butter. Those are superfoods. Kale? That’s the garnish they used to scrape off the plate at Denny’s.
No, I’m talking about those seasonal foods that start popping up in September and run all the way until New Year. Foods that people get all misty-eyed over.
Nobody likes pumpkins. Don’t start lying to me. It’s a giant gourd filled with tasteless mush and a lot of seeds. You have to add a whole lot of different spices to it to make it palatable. How about a food that starts out tasting good, then you improve it with spices. Pumpkin pie. Nobody likes pumpkin pie.
Pumpkin belongs to a unique food group called the Foods That Should Never Go In A Pie Group. Pumpkin and rhubarb head the list. Rhubarb? What the hell is rhubarb? Have you ever seen rhubarb? It looks like some kind of cactus. If anybody ever offers you rhubarb pie, ask them what rhubarb is. You will be met with a blank stare. Nobody knows. But it’s not really rhubarb pie, is it? No, it’s rhubarb-strawberry pie. Why would you take perfectly good, sweet, juicy strawberries and mix them in with some unknown stick of whatever?
Sweet potatoes are in the same group. Who came up with that? Sometime in the past, somebody decided it was time to make a pie, so they checked the pantry. Apples? No, fresh out. Peaches? Out of season. Hey, I know. I’ve got some potatoes; let’s make a pie with that. How are you going to make potatoes taste good in a pie? Well, I’ve got some of that leftover pumpkin spice. Whatever the hell that is.
How about eggnog? EggBlech is more like it. Where did they get that name from, anyway? I guess Salmonella Punch didn’t have the same ring to it. It’s the holidays. How about a big heaping glass full of cold, raw eggs. Give it to people you don’t like. And pour a bunch of rum in it. They shouldn’t be forced to stay sober during their final days. Oh, but they don’t make it with raw eggs anymore. Let me tell you something. If raw eggs is the problem, fake raw eggs is not the solution.
And finally, for the big one, in more ways than one. Turkey. People don’t really like turkey. It’s dry and tasteless. Oh, but if you do all this stuff to it, it’s okay. Stuff it full of other foods, smear it up with butter, cover it with tin foil. How about make yourself a hat with tin foil and buy a chicken. Tastes like chicken.
You know it’s delicious if you deep fry it. Great idea? Give a bunch of people drunk on eggnog, an explosive device. Drop a frozen turkey into a vat of hot oil. Anyone left with the skin on their fingers can call the fire department. And Turducken? WTFucken? I’m not eating any food with turd in the name, sorry.
I know a lot of you have gotten riled up at this. You claim you love these foods, along with cranberry sauce, deviled eggs, and all the other seasonal foods.
But here’s the thing. I don’t think you like the food; you like the holiday. And maybe the memories that the foods stir up. Memories of you slipping Brussel sprouts under the table to your dog. Who wouldn’t eat them either.
Because I know that in reality, you don’t like any of these things. How do I know?
Because you only eat them once a year!
Wow, man, I really love this stuff. I love it so much, I’m going to wait a whole year before I eat it again. You know what I like? Ice cream. Great food. No raw eggs or rum. I had some last night. I’ll probably have some tonight. I’ve never opened up the freezer and said to myself, “Chocolate ice cream! I love this stuff. In eleven months, I think I’ll spoon me up a bowl of it. Maybe I’ll pour some cranberry sauce on top of it. Serve it with a pie made from some sort of vegetable. Like Brussel sprouts.”
And don’t give me any of that seasonal crap. I go to grocery stores. Every one of these foods can be had year-round. Except for eggnog. The CDC will only allow that to be sold a few weeks out of the year. They call it ThinTheHerdNog. But everything else, you can buy in any other month. But did you ever see anyone buy cranberry sauce in July? No. Why is that?
Because nobody likes this stuff.